So last night I go to prepare myself a nutritious (not sad at all) dinner of Kashi GoLean Crunch cereal, and in between pouring and closing up the box I’m sneaking in the obligatory 10 handfuls of cereal (which obviously don’t count toward calories, because they never made it into the finished bowl…they technically “never happened”). I go to throw a handful into my mouth and…wait. What is this? This doesn’t belong here. My mind instantly goes to the thought we all have when we encounter something mass-produced that is slightly different from the rest: Did I just win something? I inspect the box quickly, no current contest. Then what is it? A massive ball of reverse-crunch that appears to have more sugary sweet coating than healthy stuff? Immediately I try to eat it, since winning anything with it is out of the question, kind of wondering how many calories would be in something so delicious. Wouldn’t you know it, I couldn’t even so much as dent the thing. Seriously, it might as well have been a rock. I dust off the crumbs and examine it further….contrary to my initial theory of reverse-crunch, it seems to be a solid piece of sugary something or other with NO visible flake, rice or grain. But even so, shouldn’t sugar crack? I try again to bite it. No luck.
Naturally, I can’t throw something like this out. I set it on my counter, ponder how much I could get out of a lawsuit if I swallowed it whole (it’s still not too late…), then decide to sleep on it (the notion of a lawsuit, not the Crunch Bolus). I have a lingering fear that it might hatch overnight, but comfort myself with the fact that I don’t own an incubator and even if I did, it wasn’t in it.
I tossed and turned all night contemplating what to do with the Bolus. Should I call Kashi? Should I go the creepy/Good Samaritan route, stick it in a an envelope & anonymously ship it over to them with a post-it note “this could have broke a tooth! or worse!” Maybe I’ll send it to them with a covert, Godfather-esque letter that clearly displays my address, should they feel the need to “clear up” any “misunderstanding.”
I avoid the box of cereal for breakfast, try to bite into it again. I did some dishes to take my mind off of things, which helped until it got splashed with some water and I dropped everything to dry it off. I realized then that this was much more than a malfunction of machinery or of human error…this was something much bigger than I. I bite it again. At some point I tried to cut it, then out of frustration, to smash it with the butt end of the knife. What if someone’s engagement ring fell off on the assmebly line and slowly snowballed sugar, and I now hold someone’s most prized posession in my kitchen? To smash it and risk losing the lawsuit, or to leave it intact and risk shipping off something important and possibly expensive?
Stacy comes down to do laundry, I hand it to her. She bites it. Nothing. Hmm, so it’s not just me and my weak teeth. She complains it feels like it broke her tooth and goes back upstairs. So here I am, alone again with this freak of nature ball of crunch…Google search for “kashi go lean” + “ball of sugar” returns no viable hits.
Pondering, pondering, pondering…..